John Carter

So I’ve been really looking forward to seeing John Carter when it comes out. In fact, I think it’s out this weekend, so yay! Or maybe it’s next weekend. Hm… Anyway, so I’ve been looking forward to it and reading any preview reviews I’ve come across—as you do—and I have to say, I’m getting a little tired of reviewers who don’t know WTF they’re talking about.

You have to understand—I read the John Carter books when I was a kid. John Carter was my pre-adolescent not-quite-lust object and kind of my friend. He was cool, he was tough, he was smart, he had a big squishy heart, and—at least in my mind’s eye—was at least as handsome as Natty Bumpo. Maybe not quite as handsome as Frodo, because, y’know—Frodo. *dreamy sigh* (Hey, shut up, he was just about my height back then.)

Anyway, so I’ve read two reviews in two days that have completely panned this movie, and that have in the process missed the point so badly that I want to write to the magazines these reviewers work for and demand their resignations. I mean, saying that John Carter has echoes of Star Wars and Avatar is like saying Socrates has echoes of Bertrand Russell. Because dude! Edgar Rice Burroughs was around way before George Lucas and James Cameron. He paved the way for them, ferchrissakes! Some of those things you’re whining you’ve seen before and been-there/done-that? Yeah—he came up with them in the first place. You don’t get to take points off for ‘copying’ when you’re reviewing the story they copied from.

The flashbacks (character development OMG the horror!) made the story too confusing? All that tells me is that you’re not smart enough to multitask and understand how past experiences inform and motivate present actions. I mean, I don’t recall having any trouble understanding that, and I was twelve!

And then! AND THEN! (!!!!) One of them whined that Taylor Kitsch was ‘too pretty’. *boggles* I mean, really? And my first thought was, You’re a straight guy, aren’t you? but my second thought was, when was the last time you heard a reviewer complain that a female hero was too pretty? I don’t remember anyone complaining that Leeloo was too pretty, or that she spent a great deal of The Fifth Element walking around in strategically placed bandages. And anyway—WTF has that got to do with anything? I can’t have eye candy while I’m watching my SF/F action flick? And if I get some, that’s just another reason why the movie sucks? Would they have been happier if Harrison Ford and his manboobs were the ones in a chest plate and loincloth? ARGH!

Did the movie fall down on characterization? Did it fail to realize its plot? Did the world it built crash and burn on too many logic flaws? Well, I don’t know, because these reviewers were too busy complaining about their own misinformation and the ‘too pretty’ thing to tell me. (Seriously—an entire paragraph of a three-paragraph review spent on ‘too pretty’. *bangs head*)

Maybe the movie does suck. Maybe the acting is horrible and the effects are awful and you can see the zippers up the backs of the aliens’ suits. Maybe the director completely mishandled a classic I grew up with and love to this day. It wouldn’t be the first time. *cough*LOTR*cough* Maybe John Carter is cheesy and predictable and juvenile. Maybe I’ll end up throwing popcorn at the screen and groaning out loud. (Or crying, like I did when they wimpified Frodo.) But it won’t be because it’s using ideas that the author of the books dreamt up, and it certainly won’t be because the protagonist is ‘too pretty’. It’ll be because… um, well, I don’t know, because I haven’t seen it yet.

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
― Harlan Ellison

I would have figured reviewers actually getting paid for having an informed opinion should be more informed than I am. Just sayin’.

(Of course, now that I’ve opened my mouth, the movie probably will suck. I hope not. John Carter deserves better.)

On a more optimistic note: in my review/trailer-seeking, I came across a couple of animated movies that I'm really looking forward to. Brave looks like a movie every mother should take her young, impressionable daughter to see (Disney! Whooda thunk?), and ParaNorman just looks like some kick-ass fun.